The Curious Life of a Wayward Pikin

The Girl Who Almost Finished Me

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Dear Diary,

I was thinking about my ghosts of girlfriends past, and suddenly I remembered my short time with Aduke, though I don’t know if what we shared could be called a relationship. She was my rebound after my service year came to an end and I’d started working.

One particular thing about Aduke was the fact that she liked sex a lot but always tried to act like she didn’t, so she was more like a walking paradox. She acted the drama while I was merely a spectator, observing but acting oblivious. But how could I be oblivious when all her visits always left me feeling exhausted and heavily spent, always trying to catch my breath?

I’m talking physically spent o, like all my blood has been sucked dry. Most nights, after two rounds of sex I was well and good but Aduke would not allow me to sleep. As I like to sleep naked, she kept handling my John Thomas, trying to will me to turn over and mount her once more.

But I thought to myself, “This hole that I’m digging, if I continue I will die ooo. I no fit dig am finish. Dem no go give me award for best fvcking. Besides, if she wants to have sex, can’t she climb on top of me and do the work?”

All she knew how to do was spread those legs wide and scream harder, harder, harderrrrrr…

I will have you know that it is easier to lie on your back with legs spread wide screaming “Harder! Harder!!” as you toss and turn with your face contorted in delicious ecstacy THAN to do the actual nonstop pounding and thrusting that takes one to cloud nine. When you read on Sun newspaper that “60 year old man collapses on top of prostitute in hotel room”, that is how it happens!

Aduke didn’t mount my John Thomas, she didn’t sleep, and she didn’t let me sleep. When I woke up the next morning, after I’d given her transport fare and she’d left that very fateful day, I thought about her visit and whether it had impacted me positively in any way.

Cooking… Not bad but why was my stomach reacting so violently?

Sex… Unsatisfactory, pretentious, uninspiring, mundane, and worst of all, her vagina had an offensive smell that I had always tried to ignore. However, for some reason, this latest fragrance had broken the camel’s back. No way in hell was I going to draw her attention to that. Pound her long enough and the atmosphere of the entire room changes. Really not cool.

Entitlement mentality… perhaps this is the main reason why I cut her loose. Hanging out with her the night before, as we had our last supper unbeknownst to her, I realised that this girl had started to see me, or was trying to position me, as her Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. She never bothered to ask how I was doing, or what was going on in my life, and I’m constantly under pressure, which only got worse when I quit my job as bills are always there waiting to swallow up your money as it comes in.

Instead, I was just being bombarded with “I want… I want… I need… I need…”

Do I look like a learner?

As soon as she left and then she started calling and messaging me later in the day based on girlfriend duties, I jejely blocked her on WhatsApp and also blocked her incoming calls. I didn’t come to this world to be a beast of burden for anyone.

Till next time,


Wayward Pikin.

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