The Curious Life of a Wayward Pikin

That Awkward Moment When You Had To Prove You’re Not A Simp

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Dear Diary,

We came back late from a flight, this was maybe November or December 2019, and then we had to sleep over at a hotel because it was really, like I said, late.

So this colleague of mine was really emphatic that she would follow me back to the office the next day. I shrugged an okay, because, no big deal, right? It was still kind of weird however, we really weren’t that close.

I came down to have breakfast the next day and as I was leaving I saw her in a corner eating and reminding me that we were going to go back to work together. I checked my phone and also found out that she’d also sent me a text message to that effect. She had even sent it earlier and I was only just seeing it. I sha replied.

Before the time for departure, she was in my room – right on time. I found it curious and if I was a simpler being, I might have even started to think that she had something for me. But I knew better, for first of all, we were sort of pseudo-friends, but we’d talked about a lot of stuff prior to that moment. I knew her well, but I hoped that I didn’t. Anyway, she sat at the edge of my bed and was pressing at her phone just at the moment when I’d brought out my phone and thought to order us an uber back to the office. I peeked at what she was up to.

I was like okay, she wanted to order us an uber. I put my phone back in my pocket. The rule was always the same for me. You order for it, you pay for it.

We check out of the hotel and get into the uber. We are gisting and chatting animatedly, until we get to the office and then I come down from the cab. I bid her farewell and make for the office but she stops me in my tracks.

“What is it?” I ask, nonplussed.

“Aren’t you going to pay for it?”

I stare at her, a confused expression on my face.

“Pay for what?”

“The uber.”

“Aren’t you the one that ordered for it?”

The truth was, left to me alone, I was ready to jump bikes and keke napeps to get to my final destination. They hadn’t been banned at the time. I had even reconsidered my stingy ways and decided to book the uber for the both of us but she even beat me to that with a temerity and presumption that really pissed me off. What gave her the assurance that I would ever agree to pay for that? I didn’t dig that at all.

“Aren’t you the man?” She resorted – The only reason I knew she really wanted us to go to work together. She was looking for a free ride. And she was so damn sure she’d get it.

“Yes, but I wasn’t the one that ordered the uber.”

Her mouth hung open, and then it closed.

This was unexpected.

“You’ll pay for it o.”

“I’m not paying for it,” I said matter-of-factly as I made to walk away.

“Okay, wait… wait! I’ll pay half and you’ll pay half. I can’t pay for everything by myself.”

“Madam, it’s just N600. You ordered for it, you’ll pay for it.”

I went to change to my uniform, when I got to the office she was there ordering food from this woman who sold food at the premises. She saw me and immediately directed the woman to collect the money for her food from me, that I was owing her. I smiled at the woman and asked her if I ordered food from her. She answered in the negative. I then told her to collect her money from the person who ordered for food from her.

My colleague was livid when that happened. She reported me to every and anyone who cared to listen. That I wasn’t a gentleman and that I didn’t act like a man. Most of the the people that listened to her agreed with her. They agreed that I wasn’t a gentleman and that I didn’t act right. But I only had one thing to tell them, the shameless motherfùcker that I am:

“First of all, I am not a gentleman. Second of all, what a man can do, a woman can do better. What’s the big deal if she paid for it?”

She didn’t talk to me for a while after that, and when I finally started ignoring her too, she came around. No regrets, because I firmly believe that having a pènis doesn’t make you the equivalent of an ATM machine. She was this igbo girl that always had this firm belief that a man must do everything, reducing him to nothing more than an ATM card.

Sometimes, I just like to burst their bubble. Let them know that all men aren’t the same.

Till next time,


Wayward Pikin.

Oya, over to you guys! Has there ever been an awkward moment when you had to prove you’re not a simp?

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