I want to share a story of one of my adventures with my friends Biggie and Okeke. It was a Saturday or Sunday I think, and we had been smoking all day. All of a sudden we decided it would be a good idea to travel to Erin Ijesha Waterfalls and scratch that off our bucket list.
You know that place where Adekunle Gold shot his Orente video? That’s Erin Ijesha Waterfalls.
So we went o, that very day. We loaded up our backpack with two bottles of Jack Daniels, like three bottles of codeine, and like 500 naira SK. Me, Biggie, Okeke and his babe at the time. First of all the place was farther than we expected and we’d left a little late. When we got there we were like the only ones left but I was really excited anyway. The place had an ancient look to it, I felt like I was in one if those Shaolin Temples in Mortal Kombat. We had to walk up a flight of stairs to get to the titular waterfall, by then Biggie and Okeke’s fat girlfriend were out of breath and just decided to sit it out and smoke some herbs while Okeke and I hurriedly stripped and dove under the torrents of water gushing down upon us.
It was such an exhilarating feeling, feeling the natural water spring forth from a rock unto us. Baba God shower pass man-made shower I swear. After we had had our fill of that we decided to explore the place further. There were still a flight of stairs that went all the way up, it was really high up and we were really excited though Biggie and the girl declined going any further. It was a dangerous undertaking because the stars were wet and slippery and had no railings so if you fall you’re on your own. No one forced you to climb anywhere in the name of adventure. We climbed the stairs slowly and were disappointed to realised that the stairs didn’t go all the way up to the top of the mountain. It was like our forefathers or whoever constructed the poorly built stairs decided that that was as far as they could be bothered to go.
Biggie and girl looked like specks of dust from where we stood looking and we took a lot of pictures that I cherish till this day. The feel of the whole place, and the fact that it was rapidly getting dark, I started having the creeping fear that maybe there was a huge beast lurking in the bushes that usually came out at night when no one else was around, probably an anaconda or something. I wondered if the natives that lives around offer up sacrifices to it in reverence. I was pretty sure that some juju stuffs are done in the waterfall. It seemed like a potent source to draw some spiritual whatever.
Came down and I saw this suspicious old man still lurking around. He was at the gate earlier when we had just arrived and now he was here acting busy. I started remembering all the Hollywood movies I’d watched where a bunch of high school kids would go on some hitchhiking or waka waka adventure only to encounter a psycho killer. We took pictures and we left, but my paranoia was on a 4G LTE network and it was really dark at this point.
The plan was to lodge in any okay hotel, get high, straff if possible and call it a day very well spent. We first entered a canteen and ate huge mounds of Eba and Egusi, from there we ended up in one mysterious looking, seedy dump called ORANGE HOTEL. It was weird for a number of reasons I can’t readily explain. Okeke and his babe took one room while Biggie and I took the other one. We went outside the hotel contemplating how the night was gonna be. Okeke and I were dressed in casual wears while Biggie was dressed in a native attire, and given that he was fat and robust we could easily pass for his boys I guess. As we were talking, one ‘indigene-looking’ man came out of the hotel and stood in one corner looking at us. I noticed him but I thought nothing of it, though I was on high alert. #ParanoiaMode
As we were talking he walked up to us:
“My people I greet o, anything una need I dey supply am o…”
I wondered what we could possibly need from him to supply us and I was immediately uncomfortable but Biggie was more than willing to indulge him. Shebi na adventure carry us come?
Biggie: Wetin you dey supply?
Man: The normal level now.
Biggie: Which one of the normal level make I know wetin I dey buy abeg?
Biggie was a guy-man and we lived in a place called Egypt. It was in the ghetto streets mehn, where if you’re not sharp you could get obtained real quick. You had to be smart, so typically before you calculate we don solve.
Biggie: If you no get wetin I dey find I go go meet another person. I no come here to play abeg.
Man: Why you go go meet another person? Oga I say anything you want I get am. Whether na human head, human hand, man preek, virgin tohtoh, old woman bre.ast, anything you need I get am. You no get problem.
Our eyes widened in shock as we all slowly exchanged glances. I was scared mehn, not scared scared, but I was terrified. We had just met a supplier – a supplier of human body parts! He must have mistaken Biggie for a politician or a business man cos he was obviously scoping for new clients. Biggie composed himself as they continued their discussion.
Biggie: No worry we still dey. Shebi you dey inside?
Man: I dey now. Na my town be this.
Biggie: No worry if we need anything we go let you know.
As the man went back inside we mulled over what had just happened in disbelief.
We looked out into the darkness and decided it would be better to spend the night at the hotel instead of adventuring further looking for God knows what before beta problem go jam us. We decided to have a few drinks at the bar and call it a night. We went into the bar, all four of us, and ordered four bottles of Viju chocolate with glass cups, and proceeded to mix the contents with our bottles of codeine.
Okeke’s babe kept the joints of SK coming, and an unopened Jack Daniel stood dangerously and proudly in the middle of our table. There were a few people at the bar, including the ritualist and some old, creepy looking men at their own table. His eyes never left our table as he looked at us with a mixture of hunger and curiosity – curiosity at the paraphernalia on our table. As I was observing the goings on around me, I noticed the paintings on the wall; they were weird mehn.
There was a painting of a man battling a snake as big as an anaconda. The snake had him in a deathly embrace as it wrapped itself around him ready to devour while the man stood in defiance with his weapon raised, ready to strike. My heart started to beat rapidly as I wondered what the painting meant. Another showed two hands reaching for a fruit on a tree in what I assumed was Adam and Eve defying God by eating of the forbidden fruit. The bar man approached our table and asked if we needed ladies for the night, Biggie said yes, that he couldn’t take anymore of the oppression from Okeke and his babe, while me I was just looking around as if I was expecting a surprise attack from unknown forces.
The bar man returned about thirty minutes later with two ‘babes’, one for me and one for Biggie. I sat in my chair staring at the ‘babe’ assigned to me like she was an alien, wondering if I was ever going to get high enough that night to fvck her, wondering if I was that brave, wondering if my preek wasn’t going to shrivel and fall off if I dared such.
God forgive me, but she was hideous, had such a big head and muscular biceps, and a shade of ‘black’ that I wasn’t really into, Biggie’s ‘babe’ wasn’t that much better, in fact it was like they were in a competition to see who was uglier. I wonder what the bar man was thinking but then again we were quite literally somehow in the middle of nowhere. Maybe this was the benchmark for confam and standard babes.
Biggie summoned the bar man and somehow we managed to discharge the ‘cream’ babes, just then the ritualist approached our table with an inquisitive look on his face. He pointed to our bottle of codeine:
“Abeg na wetin be this wey una dey take?”
“You like am? Taste am na?” Biggie said, handing him his own bottle. Instead of tasting it, the man took it back to his table to share what he had just discovered with his friends. I was just watching the man like I was watching NatGeo wild. Where there was a man I could only see an animal.
This man was dealing in human parts for heaven’s sake!
Few minutes later the ritualist and his goons fell fast asleep at their table and we all laughed at them. Dem wan try wetin their head no fit carry loooool. We stayed for long at the bar, no curfew, until it was just us and the sleeping ritualist and friends. We were drinking, smoking, and soon we started rapping and freestyling. We later retired to our rooms but I never fell asleep. I sat on the floor with my back against the door smoking, like I was expecting someone to come barging through the door at any moment to cut off my big head and Biggie’s big bo.obs, like there was a possibility that my co.ck would be parted from my body if I let my guard down.
So I sat there smoking and listening to Okeke gbenshing the living daylights out of his babe in ZA OZZA ROOM while Biggie snored like a malfunctioning locomotive train right in front me. Agro wanted to finish me in the left side of my brain, while the right side remembered all those oyinbo horror movies I’d watched that started out this way (Wrong Turn, anyone?).
Morning reached and we continued drinking, smoking, and laughing about the events of the day before in excitement and disbelief. As we boarded a bus back to Egypt our home, the words of that man in Orange Hotel kept playing back in my head over and over in an endless loop:
“Whether na human head, human hand, man preek, virgin tohtoh, old woman bre.ast, anything you need I get am. You no get problem.”
That remains an experience I don’t think I’ll ever forget.
Till next time,
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