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The Curious Life of a Wayward Pikin

How Long Was Your Shortest Relationship?

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Dear Diary,

Gisted my friends the story then and they all laughed and called her my Solomon Grundy girlfriend. Why? You’ll soon know.

You see, I met her on a Friday. A friend of mine came around and being a man about town, he called a friend of his that stays around my area and she turned up. Very fine girl with big bumbum. And I’m a sucker for big bumbum. They got to talking while I minded my business, but the conversation was interesting, she was interesting, so I decided not to be a snob and chip in. That’s how we started vibing and feeling ourselves. The chemistry between us was simply electric!

We exchanged numbers and chatted till the wee hours of Saturday. I kept thinking to myself, ‘I could see myself getting serious with you.’ Total fun to be with. I had to work on Saturday but we were in touch all through the day and promised to see each other on Sunday. On Sunday she came around, and then she kissed me. And God, she had these full kissable lips that were just right mehn. I had prepared rice and stew, and there was vodka in the fridge. Light sef dey. Life was just perfect.

We lay together in bed, and then she told me she loved me. I thought it was a bit odd, but then I told her I loved her too. I’m all for an open-minded girlfriend who wasn’t afraid to express herself as I was sick of all the mind games, and this was awesome so far, but I felt there had to be a catch. Anyway, we had sex and as we lay in bed, nàkeđ as sin, a half empty bottle of vodka on the floor, she turned to look at me and said she wanted to ask me for something. My mood changed immediately but I didn’t show it. She became shy and took my phone to type it then showed it to me.

She needed me to help her pack some food to take home with her and she also needed 3k.

I thought that was also a little odd but I am never the type to turn down a first request. After all, we spend more than that just to drink beer sometimes. But still… hmmm. I just dey rationalise the quickness of the whole proceedings for my head.

The next day, we got to talking and yeah, our relationship was going on smoothly. I was really excited about the whole thing. Until, in the evening, I saw a message from her on WhatsApp. A message that I hate seeing from people.

“Please I want to ask you for a favour.”

I looked at the message in horror, praying that it was a lie and that it wasn’t what I was thinking that it was.

“What is it?”

“Never mind,” she replied.

“Ok.”

“Okay? Really?”

“What do you want me to say?” Abi you think say I come Lagos come count bridge?

“You can’t even ask what is wrong with me.”

“You said never mind,” I replied casually.

Then she sent a barrage of replies saying how she thought I was different, how I said I loved her and I’d always be there for her, how I only just used her and I’m just like the rest, guys are all the same, etc.

I was just amused at the outbursts. This girl look me like say I be learner sha.

“Hmmm, I really don’t understand where all this is coming from. Okay, what do you want?”

“Can please help me with N10,000? I want to pick up my cloth from the tailor.”

I was shocked. So this girl actually thinks there is a universe that exists in which I would count N10,000 and give her in less than a week?

“I don’t have.”

“Okay what about part of it or half. How much do you have?”

“I said… I. DON’T. HAVE.”

She sent another barrage of emotional (I thought you were different type) replies meant to guilt me into doing her bidding.

As an Igbo boy I sharpaly did some calculations in my head like, “If boy meets girl and boy spends 13k on girl in just 4 days of meeting her, how much will boy spend on girl by the end of one month? Calculate for X.”

Diary, the result I got at the end of my calculations wasn’t to my liking at all. Na so my love take do somersault and backflip fly comot for window. I just think it breeds very bad manners and shows bad upbringing to be asking for money from a guy within such a short time of knowing him. How do you expect him to see you? Especially if he is a correct guy. Or you think guys simply don’t have sense?

Besides, a girl ought to act like she doesn’t like money within like a month of the relationship – even if she does. It’s in the Nigerian constitution, goan check. By then the guy would have settled in nicely into the relationship and you can now make whatever ridiculous demands you want. That’s how to catch a prey.

I am not a stingy person and I like to flex, but God knows I’ve never given a girl money to do her hair or monthly upkeep. I always do things as the spirit leads and I try to be reasonable in all my dealings. 10k to pick up your clothes at the tailor is definitely not a priority and our relationship hadn’t reached that stage for me to indulge you like that.

In case you were wondering, she has a job and also doubles as a makeup artist. So what the fùçk is really going on?

I feel like dating right now is like entering a sea full of sharks, everyone is out for blood, and they are constantly checking to see how stùpid you truly are so they know whether they can swoop in for the kill.

I refuse to let my worth as a man be determined by how much I have or what I have accomplished. Unfortunately that is where the society has forced everyone today. Still, I dare to be different. Dating doesn’t really interest me anyway. And if my prudence offends you, biko waka by all means.

Anyways, now you know why my friends called her my Solomon Grundy girlfriend. I met her on Friday, became her boyfriend on Saturday, made love to her on Sunday (in Craig David’s voice), broke up, jakpa and ran for my life on Monday.

Until I meet the one who makes everything look so easy, the one who makes me wonder where she has been all my life, the hits and misses continue.

Till next time,

XOXO

Wayward Pikin.

Over to you guys! How long was your shortest relationship?


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