I’ve been in a number of fights in my life. Because of the way I look, people see me as easy prey and want to bully or take advantage of me. Unfortunately for them, I try my best to make them see the error of their ways. I will be chronicling the major standout moments in my life in which I ever got involved in a physical confrontation. In the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, “Sometimes you have to fight, when you’re a man.”
DISCLAIMER: Fight no good o! People dey from fight die. So if you fit avoid am avoid am biko to avoid stories that touch.
I grew up a butty boy until JSS3 in boarding school when I found out the true meaning of life. This guy, Olumide, was lying down on my bed during Saturday inspection so I asked him to get off my bed o, after all he had his own. Na so the guy jump down gimme beta blow for face (based on terminator wey him be), asking me what right I had to ask him such a question. My mate o! On top my own bed! He asked me to say it again if dem born me well. Of course, I asked him off my bed again and the chairman proceeded to give me the beating of my life. He beat me oooo… Goodness God! He beat the sh!t out of me, leaving me wondering if there was any justice in this world at all. Needless to say, I will never forget that day till the day I die. He beat shege comot for my head that day. I had never thrown a punch before, never been in a fight before, so I promised myself that such a thing will never happen to me again and that I’ll always defend myself no matter what. Naturally, I’m never a bully or an aggressor. I took a keen interest in fighting, watching, learning, even practising. That was what also led me to start working out, so I that if I give you a dirty blow you will confess that Buhari is a muslim.
In 100level, just like in boarding school, I was one of the youngest. There was this clique of older guys in my hostel who regarded everyone else as “small boys” for reasons best known to them. One of them, Chinedu, always used to talk down on me and assert his dominance any way he could. But I had observed this guy, I’d shook his hand, I’d gauged his strength, and I was confident that there was no was this guy could whoop my ass. I believe I was much stronger then, and I used to take body building more seriously then. Eventually our back-and-forth came to a climax one fateful day when he tried to prevent me from playing a game of chess before him, meanwhile I was there before him o. He scattered the game and I absolutely lost it! I cursed, insulted, waka-ed the bas.tard as the room fell silent watching me verbally assault one of the “champions”. After I was done, Chinedu started laughing a wicked laugh, and everyone in the room started begging him not to do anything to me. That I was still a small boy, that he should forgive me. ME? I was ready for anything. Na so Chinedu tear me beta slap “TOWAI!” We stood toe-to-toe punching the life of our each other. The fight ended when I broke his nose and nearly choked the life out of him. People separated us and after that day we became best of friends.
In 300 level I had this friend who was the ultimate definition of a leech. He wore my clothes, ate my food stuffs, spent my money, and occasionally tried to steal my girls. He was way older than me and I loved him so much, unfortunately he had taken me for granted and felt entitled to my property. One morning after arguing over something I don’t remember anymore, I saw him about to wear a shirt of mine that was already practically his because he had worn it more times than I could ever hope to. I told me not to wear my clothes anymore but he brushed me off, thinking it was a joking sturvs. Na so I dey one class wey people full everywhere in the even, that’s when I saw Alex bouncing into the vicinity wearing the same goddamn shirt I told him not to wear. Something evil sparked in my head. I walked up to him and asked him, “Why are you wearing my shirt? I need you to take it off now please.” He looked at me and laughed, then attempted to walk past me but I blocked his path again.
“I said take off my shirt.”
Na so the guy push me. I found my balance quickly and rebounded into him, taking him to the floor. Now, people were paying attention to us. I rained Hail Mary full of blows on his face, breaking his nose in the process. He reached for my throat and tried to choke(?) my but his balance was off. But he succeeded in scratching my neck and making me bleed. When it was looking like I was going to kill him, people gathered and tried to get me off him but I was so livid that I held on firmly to his (my?) shirt, as about 5 guys struggled to lift me off. I inadvertently ripped the shirt in half, and guy man had to walk all the way back to the hostel topless, his chest and six packs exposed for the world to see. He has never completely forgiven me for that incident and he never hesitates to remind me of what I did to him but me, I didn’t care. He needed the lesson and he learnt it very well. At this point I could say that I was quite confident in my fighting and defensive ability.
I had never fought someone waaaaaay bigger and taller than me until I met Chidi. My phone had gone missing after a crazy time the night before and Chidi was the main suspect, that’s because he was a known thief. Eventually word got back to Chidi that I was suspecting him and he came to confront me for having the audacity of suspecting him for stealing my phone, this is someone that has stolen from me before and is renowned in this particular career path. Words were exchanged and he angrily went to lock the outside door so he can come back and beat his younger brother. As a smaller guy compared to him I entered into his personal space, rendering his attacks ineffective for the time being. I pinned his arms to his side and tried to land a proper blow on his criminal face, but I realized that punching upward is quite harder than punching straight. He tried to free himself and the fight turned into a grappling match as he tried to free himself, but I knew that if I let him go he could possibly crush me. I had seen Chidi take on five okada men successfully and defeat them. He had been to the police station numerous times, and he played football every Sunday unfailingly as a defender where he was a real threat to the strikers on the field. In my analysis, Chidi was potential much more stronger with enough stamina and endurance to go with it. Meaning in an all out brawl, it was highly likely that I would end up tired and exhausted while Chidi might even just be getting started. I slipped behind him where I was safe from his attacks and effectively grappled him until he had no choice but to calm down. Then slowly, while still pinning his arms to his sides I led him out of my room.
“Leave me… I say leave me!” He thundered.
“Hmm, guy. If I leave you, shey you go go? I no wan fight o.”
“I no go fight you again.”
“You sure?” I asked suspiciously, fearful for my life.
“I dey sure guy. Free me!” He screamed.
I let go of Chidi and pushed him forward, ready for round 2. Surprisingly, Chidi didn’t fight me. He simply walked away… And went on to destroy somebody else who had pissed him off that night.
So those are all the physical brawls I have ever been involved in. Luckily for Olumide I never came across him again after boarding school, but even if I did I don’t think we would fight. We would simply shake and laugh over old times and move on. Except he tried to maintain the old status quo, in which case I would have no choice but to whoop his ar.se. I’m grateful to Olumide because without the ar.se-whooping that he gave me, I never would have considered it necessary to learn how to defend myself should a situation require me to.
Till next time,
So what about you guys? Have you ever been involved in a physical fight before? Let us laugh, learn and unwind, biko.