The Curious Life of a Wayward Pikin

Ever Had To Nurse Someone Suffering From A Heartbreak?

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Dear Diary,

You know how they say misery loves company? I am misery, and company are all the people that I find are inexplicably drawn to me.

I had a friend from my university days who came over to spend some time with me at my place so we can catch up and also reminisce on old times. He had this serious relationship with this girl that was going on for over 8 years. Me? If I’m to be honest I don’t think I’ve dated any girl for up to two years. The longest I’ve had, we typically break up just below or over the 1-year mark. You don’t have to tell me Diary, it’s very likely that I have a big problem.

We are gisting and suddenly he tells me that he and this babe have broken up. My brain freezes for a minute cos I’m thinking, “What babe?” Surely it can’t be the one we all know and love.

He insists she’s the one he’s talking about. And suddenly I can see he’s struggling to hold it together by keeping a tough exterior. Guy man seemed to be in a lot of anguish. I sharpaly rush to get my LAST EVER batch of marijuana and mould a nice big eba for my nigga to smoke up. He smokes it and inhales deeply, trying to gather his thoughts. And then he tells me everything.

Well, from the time I knew them, they seemed perfect for each other and destined to end up at the altar. All we useless guys, our prayer points were always to meet a girl like the one my guy had. She was perfect in every way. Not my spec kinda perfect though, but she was fiercely loyal. Or so we thought.

Turns out, she was cheating on him with this abroad based guy and was hoping to play both Mr America and my guy. The plan was that when things solidify between Mr America and the girl, she would dump my guy like a sack of hot potatoes and move on towards greener pastures and a better life.

And if you know all what my guy had done for this babe ehn, you go weak. I never knew why he did all the things he did, but I guess love makes us all foolish. And what is love without the actions to back it up, right? My guy took up responsibility for this girl for the past 8 years. He practically became her father and catered for her every need. Changed her phone when he deemed it necessary, changed her wardrobe, gave her money, he basically did everything for her. Things that I would never do.

Maybe it’s due to the fact that he met her a virgin, met her when she was young and naive and he fell in love and thought that he could mould her to his taste. Sometimes, I think it’s the guys that become more attached when they deflower a girl. That shìt doesn’t mean much to the lady herself, especially when her eyes finally open. And they will open. Speaking from personal experience anyway. I ask and he tells me he never paid any of her school fees and I have no option than to believe him, though a part of me doubts this. Seriously.

I would have warned him not to incur so much costs all in the name of a relationship all those years ago but how was I supposed to do that without coming across as a bad belle? Plus my guy has serious anger issues so I really can’t deal.

I’m still trying to take it all in when he drops another bomb: This isn’t the first time she’d cheated on him.

My mouth drops open that like of a typical Yoruba man. Ahhhhhhh! What? Where? When? How? And why was I the last to know this?

He said she’d first cheated on him (as far as he knew) 5 years ago. She met this really swaggalicious Yoruba demon who came correct with a sleek ride and a very cool apartment. Yahoo boy with all the trappings of affluence that ladies are seriously looking for. Guy man straffs my guy’s precious babe mercilessly within days of meeting her and they kick off a steamy relationship. Next thing the babe is trying to get sex off the table with my guy because she wants to be ‘celibate’. That she wanted them to stop having sex altogether until they get married. Dude gets suspicious and hacks her WhatsApp and receives the shock of his life. His little angel is not so little anymore, and she’s been fùcking the other dude on a skin to skin package based on logistics.

He ends the relationship but she doesn’t really care. Dude is hurt like mad and he tells me he nearly died during that period. Yoruba demon gets tired of fùcking the girl’s pùssy and basically dumps her. She comes back begging, rallies everyone to beg him and eventually, he takes her back.

I stare at my longtime friend in shock. I never imagined my guy to be someone who would take back a cheat. This love matter ehn, laslas we are all flesh and blood. Mere mortals, nothing but pencil in the hands of the creator. He told her that if she ever did it again he would break up with her for good. She agreed.

Well, it happened again and I was now privy to the whole thing. Me that had been tapping and praying for a relationship as solid as the one my guy had. Make e no be say na bad thing I dey tap since o.

I had never seen my guy so down. In any case, he had come to the right place. There was enough to eat, smoke and drink. And you know you just have to forget your sorrows when the console comes out and it’s time to play PES 2019.

Crazy thing was, we’d be playing, I’d be whooping his àss, and then he’d suddenly pause the game to start regaling me with yet more stories about her. How he missed her, how he couldn’t believe she did that to him, how he didn’t know if he could ever get over her, this and that.

“Oga make we dey play this game na,” I would urge in my mind. But I couldn’t say it out loud. Some of the stories he was telling me, he’d said it a million times before. I could literally predict what he was going to say next. He was basically talking on a loop. Maybe this was how madness usually starts. Hmmm.

I knew what he was going through. I had been there before so I knew. As a matter of fact, he was very lucky to have come around just at the time of the break up. My place is set up to make you forget about anyone and anything. Who you be na? Dude was devastated. Any money he earned, 60-70% would go to her, while 30-40% he kept for himself. After all, guys don’t really need much, do they? And ladies’ needs, we all know that they are endless! Abi?

He kept asking my opinion and I was never too tired to tell him the same thing – DUMP THE BÌTCH. She never really loved you anyway and was only with you for what she was gaining from you. I would have told you this years ago but you would’ve probably punched me in the face. All the money, time and resources you’d wasted on her would have better served you if you had focused on yourself.

He nods in agreement. Deflated. Defeated. And I find myself angry at the girl for hurting this man so bad. His only crime was that he loved without reason. He told me he went back down memory lane and realised that that girl never ever bought him anything. If ever she did it was with his own money. He showed me pictures of her on his phone. And each picture he showed me, he would say:

“Everything you see her wearing like this, from head to toe. I bought it for her.”

Hilarious shìt. I wanted to burst out laughing as he did this but I decided that that would be a bit insensitive, so I kept my laughter for later. He stayed for a few days and when he left he was significantly better, but mehn, did he talk my ears off!

“No vex say I just dey talk like this,” he said as he smoked my stash. “I just need someone to vent to.”

To be honest I was really happy he came to me and that I could share in his pain. Like I said earlier, misery really does love company. He had been with me through two devastating heartbreaks in those days I used to take relationships seriously (or as seriously as I possibly could) and I was only glad I could finally return the favour. What I’ll never understand though, is why he chose to take up the responsibility of the girl’s father. I mean, what the hell?

This should renew my stance against relationships but it doesn’t. I am actually open to one now but I’m not going to settle for less. I’d really like the next person I date to be the person I end up getting married to. At the same time I don’t see myself getting married in the next two years. Maybe from three years. In any case, beggars can’t be choosers. Being single rocks, though all these people that keep getting engaged at the office got a brother feeling some type of way.

As I saw my guy off, he turned around to ask me (for the one millionth time) if he was doing the right thing, or if he should take her back, and if she wouldn’t do worse or take him for granted if he did. I only had the exact same three words to tell him:


Till next time,


Wayward Pikin.

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